Seen: A Wish Your Heart Makes

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Cinderella. A well-known fairy tale with many variants and adaptations. Though published in a collection of folklore by the Grimm brothers in 1812, some trace versions of the story back roughly 2,000 years. That’s a free and fun fact for you.

Let’s enter the story for a moment, specifically, the well-known 1950 Disney adaptation. It’s a scene you are probably familiar with. Cinderella, after having done everything in her power to go to the ball, has had every last hope taken violently from her by her stepfamily. She flees into the garden to weep. Hopeless. Alone. 

I think many of us at one time or another have related to those feelings: the feeling that all hope is lost, and the feeling of being completely isolated in our despair.

Now imagine what a sad story it would have been had Cinderella’s fairy godmother not showed up, had Cinderella not been witnessed in her despair. There wouldn’t really be a story to come from it. Not at all. No prince. No redemption. No righting of wrongs. No “happily ever after.”

How many times has that scene been reflected in your own life? In that part of the story? Desolate, isolated, hopeless, and worst of all, unseen?

The Power of Being Seen

Did you know, we were all born looking for someone looking for us. That’s how Dr. Curt Thompson, psychiatrist and Christian author, puts it. We have a longing hardwired into us, a longing to be seen and known. To know that we are seen and known makes the most unbearable of situations feel somehow less daunting. 

Back to Cinderella. Fairy godmother has just materialized. Even if she hadn’t magicked up a splendid coach from a pumpkin, or rags into a fabulous dress, I’m willing to wager it would have been enough. It would have been enough for Cinderella to know that she had been seen. To know that in her despair, in her heartache, she was understood, witnessed by another. That she wasn’t alone. 

It’s part of what makes a relationship feel secure. Feeling seen and known, according to Drs. Brown and Elliott, is one of the five primary conditions that must be met to cultivate secure attachment for an infant to his or her caregiver. For the infant to feel seen and known, the caregiver must be attuned to the baby’s behavior, inner state, and developmental stage. Attunement means that the caregiver sees, hears, and responds according to the needs of the baby. Just as a musician tunes their instrument to a specific frequency, correcting the pitch ever so slightly to be in tune with that frequency, we can tune into the frequency of the people around us. This concept of attunement doesn’t apply only to infant-caregiver relationships. It applies to intimate relationships as well. It applies to most relationships, really. When we feel that someone sees us and gets it, what a relief! 

When we don’t feel seen, it can be difficult to engage in relationships. It can contribute to insecurity. It can impact our ability to see the world around us accurately, causing us to have a skewed perspective. It can cause us to isolate, or to seek false forms of intimacy. Not being seen can contribute to emotional and physical dysregulation. We might spiral into rage or shut down mode. When we don’t experience someone showing themselves attuned to us, we struggle to coregulate big, overwhelming emotions. 

I’m hoping you have someone in your life who does see and attune to you. I hope it’s your parent(s), but it might not be. I’m hoping it’s your best friend, or your spouse. But I understand not everyone has that person in their life. Bare minimum, I hope this someone goes to church with you. I can remember so many times in my life that I was struggling, only for someone at church to come up to me, look me in the eyes, and say… well, what they said, I never quite remember. What I do remember, is that they saw me. They saw that something was wrong. They saw it, they acknowledged it (the attunement piece), and they asked how they could help. Better still, they offered to pray for me, right then and there. Have you experienced something like that? 

Have you felt seen?

A Cinderella Story in Scripture

In Scripture, there is an account that bares some striking parallels to the story of Cinderella. It can be found in Genesis 16. Hagar, our Cinderella-parallel, was a servant. She was a victim of circumstances. In summary, she was pregnant, not by choice, by a man to whom she had been “given” (as if she was some kind of possession). And the household disfunction surrounding this pregnancy was fit for Jerry Springer or Dr. Phil. Hagar was angry. And she was alone. Sarah, the woman who got Hagar into this mess, was now treating her terribly. Hagar had no one. So, she ran into the wilderness. In complete desperation, she fled to the desert. 

Allow me to shift tense so you feel like you are in on the action. Hagar flees. And though we don’t get this detail in Scripture, I imagine, that just like Cinderella, she is weeping as she flees. She is alone. Then, in the wilderness something – someone – far better than a fairy godmother shows up. And Hagar is seen. 

The angel of the Lord, who many commentators take to be a pre-incarnate Jesus, encounters Hagar there in the wilderness. He shows himself attuned to her: “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” (Gen 16:7, ESV). He shows himself attuned by using her name and a relationship of identification. He notes her position: between. Not there, not anywhere. And he gives her space to respond. Though, she offers minimal information.

Sometimes, it hurts to be seen. Especially when we feel shame. Perhaps a history of trauma or neglect is the culprit. Maybe we feel like our problem is embarrassing. Or it’s covered in a lot of “shoulds” that we believe we have failed to observe. In these situations, we find ourselves wanting to hide. We want to act like we have it all together, like nothing can touch us. We hide, we put on armor, we build walls. But please, don’t sabotage your chances of being seen, known. Sure, not everyone is safe. And we’re all pretty broken. But maybe someone in your life is safe enough. And maybe you can dig deep to find just a bit of grace for when they attune to you imperfectly. I’m holding out hope for you that you too can experience the glorious relief of your pain being witnessed, and of someone sticking it out with you, despite your hurt. 

Back to the story. God doesn’t allow Hagar to put him off with her minimal disclosure. Instead, he offers instruction and then – another Cinderella parallel – he offers her the coach and dress. By which I mean, he gives her a promise to hold onto. God tells her that her son will father a nation. And he gives that son a name, which translated is, “the God who hears.” 

That day, Hagar called the name of the Lord, El Roi, “the God who sees me.” Being seen, being heard, being known and attuned to, gave Hagar a new relationship with the Lord. 

Like all good stories, doesn’t this just do something to your soul? Goosebumps for me, every time. And yet, I’m imagining that for you, this might sound just as fantastical as any folklore or fairytale. It might be pretty difficult to imagine anyone encountering God at a spring in the wilderness, let alone you encountering God right where you are in this very moment. You might find it hard enough to experience this “being seen” with another individual, let alone with El Roi, God who sees [insert your name here]. 

Making it Real: Being Seen

I’m all about making things actually work. Actually going from insight to integration. A few years ago, I was in counseling in hopes of being seen in my own wilderness. My counselor directed me to a little booklet called Joyful Journey (linked here https://www.amazon.com/Joyful-Journey-Dr-James-Wilder/dp/171183145X ) that contained a form of prayer that was completely unknown to me. It’s called thought rhyming, and its purpose is to facilitate connection with God. This practice helps your brain to experience relational connection with God. Here, I have adapted this practice:

• Step 1: I can see you. What does God see, right there, right now, as he looks at you? What physiological responses is he witnessing that are perhaps not observable? Journal this as if God is speaking to you. 
  • For instance, “I see you sitting in your chair, up late. I see that your legs are crossed, your brow is furrowed, your jaw is clenched. I notice how your breathing is shallow.”
• Step 2: I can hear you. What does God hear as he observes you before him? Both audibly, and inaudibly – your unspoken, inner thoughts? Journal this. 
  • For instance, “I can hear you speaking in frustration to that family member. I can hear the insecurity and doubt you are wrestling with as you mentally debate your ability to meet work deadlines.”
• Step 3: I can understand how difficult this is for you. Journal validation of your experience. God does see and know every detail of your life. He understands how you are impacted by your circumstances, by things happening around you. 
  • For example, “I know you feel so overwhelmed by what you are facing. It feels insurmountable for you. You feel crushed by its weight.”
• Step 4: I am glad to be with you and show you my mercy and grace, to help you through what you are experiencing. Journal God’s goodness in this moment and situation. Perhaps finding this directly from Scripture would be beneficial. 
  • Example: “There is no condemnation for you, despite your fears/doubts/insecurities, because you are in me (Romans 8:1). Come to me, in your weariness. I have rest for you (Matthew 11:28-30). Give me your struggles. I care so much for you (1 Peter 5:7). I long to show you mercy. I will satisfy you with unfailing love (Psalm 103).”

Give it a try. And I strongly recommend that after you’ve done this practice, read it back to yourself. Maybe share this post with a friend who is also a Christ-follower. Then ask them to read what you’ve journaled. You and whoever you share it with should sense shalom – the Hebrew word for peace and wholeness – when you’ve read it back. If you don’t sense shalom, something might be off, or untrue. Try it again. Ask the Spirit to help you have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:14-16) as you engage with him. Ultimately, this prayerful exercise can help you engage with God in a way that can result in feeling seen, feeling attuned to, feeling connected with God. Specifically, the God who sees you. 

Because he does see you. And I want you to feel that to be true.

Happily Ever After

So maybe that’s why we love the story of Cinderella. We’ve all been in that place of desperation. We’ve all longed for someone to see us. And we’ve all hoped for the fairy godmother to usher us into our own personal happily ever after. I think for far too many, the experience of being seen is nonexistent, or disappointing, or laced with trauma or betrayal. But there is healing available, and it’s pretty – dare I say? – magical. There is something almost magical about being seen, being known, being met where we are, when we are, how we are. Being loved. It is the real deal happily ever after. And it is my greatest wish for you.

*Cue, “a dream is a wish your heart makes…”

Going Deeper and Making it Real:

• Read the story of Hagar in Genesis 16.
• Check out Curt Thompson’s books!
• Journal or share with a trusted friend about a time you felt alone and in despair. What was it like for you? Did you feel seen? What brought you out of that time?
• Do you have someone who sees you? Even if imperfectly, who in your life can witness your pain, validate it, walk through it with you? If you don’t feel like you have this person now, who might be a safe person to allow in?
• What keeps you from letting others see you? What helps you feel safe to let another see you? What are some qualities or conditions that help you know someone is safe?
• Practice thought rhyming. What is the experience like for you? What does it feel like to feel that God sees you?